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Another sleepless night. Another morning of waking up at 5 am. Now I'm not tired. Sigh.

I can feel you once more. Intoxicating rush of heartbeats and desires. The shadows are too lonely for either of us. come be with me in a world forbidden. Break free from depression and anger, time is of the essence. Surrender to my love, as I shall do the same.

I did my best to relax today, tommorrow being a start to another long week. I have been working on a few new ideas for my next book. I don't want years to goby again where I haven't wrote anythinng new. I'm still working on the ideas so far nothing is speaking to me.

I still think of you as a coward my dear friend. I know you are still keeping indirect tabs on her. It's pretty sad that after all these years you still refuse to tell her the truth. I'v thought about doing it. Why not? We aren't exactly the closest friends anymore. Eventually she will figure it out. I feel sorry for you when she does.

Again at 5 am. Ugh I hate 5 am. Now I have to to try and go back to sleep.

For the past week I have been waking up at 5 am. What exactly keeps asking me up at this ungodly hour?

I did it. I finshed Eli's story. I emailed a copy to both inspirations. Rather or not they read it is up to them,. But now I can feel like I can move foreward and not look back. It's time for a new project.

Yesterday sucked. Today i have so much to do and i have to go to work. I dont want to do any of it. I finally got some sleep that was restful. Oh well time to be grownup.

Its been a tough week to say the least. My anger spiraled out control again. I admit i broke down. Its not easy thing to admit. The idiot sob#2 pushes my buttons so much. I really fucking hate him. I finally gave into getting some blood. Its been so long i was sick again. I think I've reached the point where the taste doesn't bother me as much. My body is slowly healing but its taking too long for my likings. I have a job to do because if i dont do it then no one will. But it's been a rough week. I am going to need to down some more blood. I need to relax in a nice hot bubble bath and watch my troubles go down the drain. Maybe . I started writing again. Eli is coming along nicely. I almost sent it to Mr. N. Almost but then I realized he would propably get angry with his role. Lol i sent him a friend request against my better judgement. Luckily for me he blocked me. Good thing too.

Its been a tough week to say the least. My anger spiraled out control again. I admit i broke down. Its not easy thing to admit. The idiot sob#2 pushes my buttons so much. I really fucking hate him. I finally gave into getting some blood. Its been so long i was sick again. I think I've reached the point where the taste doesn't bother me as much. My body is slowly healing but its taking too long for my likings. I have a job to do because if i dont do it then no one will. But it's been a rough week. I am going to need to down some more blood. I need to relax in a nice hot bubble bath and watch my troubles go down the drain. Maybe . I started writing again. Eli is coming along nicely. I almost sent it to Mr. N. Almost but then I realized he would propably get angry with his role. Lol i sent him a friend request against my better judgement. Luckily for me he blocked me. Good thing too.

The price of the nroken heart is just too much for me anymore. I would rather be divorced than to put up with being broken hearted. SOB#2 doesn't care for me. I would give anything to have another human being care and love me. All I have in this world is her. I have spent the last week trying to figure out how to get my freedom. I have no options. I have no one to turn to. I have no where to go. I don't have any means. He knows this, blackmailing me to bend to his will. He doesn't derserve me, he never has. I have given up on everything but her. I will die of a broken heart than to hurt her. He doesn't even love her, he doesn't care for her. But she is his leverage. I have finally admitted defeat. There is no such thing as good anymore. It's me in this hell. I would love to scream destroy his things and hurt him like he has hurt me. But in the end, nothing matters. I am alone. Always will be. I have to give up. The first thing I wanted to do was start talking to other men on the internet. but then I laughed at myself. Men aren't my answer. love is not the answer. I am just a fool. I guess a part of me is still waiting to be rescued. Today I had to admit, there is no one in this earth that can or will rescue me. Like sob #2 has pointedout, no one wants me. No one cares. Welcome to hell. I traded one cage for my final resting place in hell.

I chickened out. Then came my nightmare. Even in my dreams I'm casted aside like garbage. Sigh